Yikes, it's Ike!

With Hurricane Ike bearing down on Texas, I feel like I should write something about it since it will likely be the closest any hurricane has come to our home. Instead of the obvious hand-wringing combined with well-wishing for those affected, though, I decided to offer a few of my hypotheses as to the source of hurricanes. Weather people may give you complicated explanations involving water temperatures, air currents, and the like, but that is exactly what they are supposed to say. I think you will find my offerings much more plausible.

1) Purveyors of bottled water - while at the surface it appears that several different companies sell bottled water, to those in-the-know (such as me) it is obvious that a single company has owned the entire market for years. In a diabolically ingenious marketing move that would make even De Beers proud, this company has managed to convince the entire world that humans need water in order to survive. However, the executives are not convinced that it is enough merely to rake Benjamins into a pile and burn them like a mass of leaves. Their newest diversion is to build a metropolis of igloos in the Sahara, and for this they need even more money. Enter the hurricane machine. They fire the sucker up and lob a few hurricanes toward the States, while also disseminating propaganda that during hurricanes, it is wise to stock up on several days' worth of bottled water. This prompts millions of ordinary people who get by on lowly tap water to go out and buy bottled water they don't need, and viola, another ice brick is added to the CEO's igloo.

2) The baby names people - another mega-corporation, the Almalgamated Names Holding Company Limited (ANHC Ltd.), owns the rights to every name used in the United States. Those fees you have to pay whenever you get a birth certificate? You guessed it - a sizable percentage goes to ANHC Ltd. as royalties for the permission to print your name. Back in the '70s they used some shady connections to secure hurricane naming contracts from the National Hurricane Center. The more hurricanes that blow in, the more dough ANHC Ltd. makes from naming them. As a bonus, it is a certifiable fact that after a huge hurricane strikes there is an upswing in babies with the same name. In Florida, the name "Andrew" has increased in popularity by 48% since 1992.

3) Butterflies - chaos theorists like to pontificate that the flutter of a butterfly's wings can trigger a tornado hundreds of miles away. Or hurricane. Or dust devil. Or something like that. Anyhow, you may be wondering at this point what might cause pretty little butterflies to cause such costly and tragic destruction to visit us. Consider the case of Joe Schwartzkoffenheimer, who unknowingly triggered a series of tragic events by sneezing out of his window one morning. With his unusually loud sneeze, he startled a dove in a nearby tree who flew from its branch down to the ground. A mouse thought it was a swooping predator and ran for cover in the nearby bushes, but not without drawing the attention of a hungry cat. The cat leaped for the mouse and missed, but it was still hungry so it strolled back home to grab a bite from its food bowl. On the way it ran behind the car of Joe's neighbor, who was backing out and had to give pause. Later on, while Joe's neighbor was cruising down the highway, a beautiful butterfly flew down in front of his car and became a smudge on his windshield. Were it not for Joe's sneeze, his neighbor would have backed out without hesitation and then would have passed by before the butterfly had to cross the highway. Uncle Flappy would have made it home unharmed. Thus, in retaliation, his butterfly brethren flutter their wings with a little extra oomph and send hurricanes our way.

There you have it. I believe that these are the likeliest causes for hurricanes, but you may draw your own conclusions.

Hurricane Sammy prepares to unleash his wrath upon the Texas Gulf Coast.